Wedding Program Thank You's Emotional blackmail in the family

do not understand how it is possible that many families in Spain and probably in the world, its members are mistreated each other at the touch of emotional blackmail. Love, which is beautiful and voluntary, suddenly becomes an obligation which must also be manifested in certain ways and at regular intervals, on pain of being "a bad son (or father or brother, or whatever) and systematically morally crushed by those people who say they want both a. I do not understand.

I do not understand the families whose members are set to give birth to each other because Fulanito has not gone to dinner on Christmas Eve Somebody's niece's house. O Christmas Eve, or to eat at Christmas, or birthdaydren with someone, or whatever. Or why not go regularly to visit their parents or brothers or nephews or grandchildren or grandparents or whatever. It's as if people think that only by being related to someone already has the right to be visited by that someone, or to impose your visit, or even more, to regulate how often should the other parent to see a third, sometimes cut no ice, and try him and sentence him if does not behave as he thinks is due, all supposedly in the name of family love for each other. Sorry, I have no head.

I when I go to see someone, whoever he is, and especially if it involves taking the car and go to see him is because he has done something positive, to want verle. For example, I want to wholeheartedly prof_ignatius , Inaeternitas and Héctor (or vigara , almatenebrae and Joel ) but, unless you receive an invitation to any particular circumstance occurs generally do not pick the car go to see them. Sometimes I between the monkey and I call and invite me to something and sometimesis possible and sometimes not, but our relationship does not suffer and deteriorate because we see little. We may distance ourselves, of course, because we have less contact, but my feelings towards them are still as hot and I'm sure theirs to me too, and when I see my happiness is just sincere and natural that if I had seen yesterday. Perhaps more precisely why. But the important thing is that no one gets angry with anyone because visits are irregular or spaced, no one believes that there is a kind of contract signed between us that says if I'm not going to see every month I am a bad friend, or if not buy a Christmas gift for the kid I dignorance of disapproval. Just know that I am, know what I feel, know how to express what is already. Accept me as I am and I them, so we want to and get along. We would never criticize another person's personality because "we do not ignore", that box is, is stupid and selfish that borders on narcissism require another person to change their way of life to adapt to what we expect of it, whether we like it is, well, if not sooner or later end the relationship because we have incompatible ways of seeing. If so, I all do with our friends, nuesrtos known and our co-workers, why do so many peoplehopes things are not well with his family, which is less conducive to their relatives that their friends?

All this I say is how I see my family works ⁽¹⁾ , which is one of the most functional and together I know. I love my family, like I love my friends. Some more than others, of course, but the important thing is that they want not mean I want to see them at all times . And if that does not mean that they want, why you going to do that we share genes? My grandmother, for example, not seen since last year. My parents can go months without being seen and I want to adorac ion and enjoy a huge amount when we're together. My sister Andruin (married with children) I see all of grapes to pears and what is it and I get to talk and be together maybe do one or hopefully twice YEAR o. We have very different lives, we live 30 kilometers from each other and nobody Traña ex does not care, we want the same thing. My nephews Dani and Cristina , children (6 and 4 years), to give another example ⁽²⁾ , I see them when I see her mother because they are glued to their skirts. I can not think (and it is so, it sand I can think of this idea does not appear spontaneously in my mind) to take the car to go and see them . And my sister thinks that I am a bad person for it, or criticizes me, or (I think) comes up.

But we see little does not mean anything, we love her dearly and we are absolutely very, very, very together. What happens is that everyone has his life and we all understand and respect that and none of us would ever get angry with another because you will not see you, or your children, or parents. We all understand that when someone picks up the car and going to see is a guy gift is something special so be happy and what not rmal is not done and that everyone is at home, their lives and their concerns. Never occur to us to think about how you live your life the next door, or how often do you go to visit (or receive my visits), or to go see their fathers or their sons or nephews . If I really like to see someone pick up the phone, I call and I propose to stay and seek when it comes and you're . And if you want my sister or my father or my niece, do the same and that's it. But life and the relationship of others is his very personal, how are we going to get there?

to me I can not ocurriría never, but never, ever, berate one of my family (or my friends) because they come to me or because they accept my invitation to celebrate with me the night of Walpurgis. I could think much less criticize my cousin zaryss (which is the closest thing I have a brother), for example, because you will not see enough his mother. To give a completely true and recent example, my sister zylgrin , who married in May in Lisbon in an intimate family ceremony, has invited paparents of zaryss but not zaryss (who gets along very well.) And I never happen to me by the imagination criticize that and say it's a bad cousin who is waging an ugly or any of the stupid things I hear around me every now and ma muchi situations ; s worldly. It is YOUR wedding, it is YOUR relationship! And anyway, I have faith and confidence in my sister, who is an extremely intelligent and sensitive, and I am absolutely sure that your reasons will, that are good and that is not my business . Oh, and I have confidence in my cousin, incidentally.

criticizes my sister (or whoever) you will not see enough of my mother, for example, or my child, if I had one, would interfere in the relationship between my sister and my mother (or my child) absolutely intolerable. My sister's relationship with his mother is and carry them and although sometimes I can give some advice if you ask me (I'm thinking of another sister, I have many), never occur to me to intrude motu proprio. Ditto with my son, hisaunt is like why should I pretend to be otherwise? If you want to see him much will be long and if not will not see him so much and you're . Psycho-emotional development of my child will not be affected by how often you visit your aunts to whether that frustration at what? And I think that that is exactly what I think Zylgrin that never, ever, ever, has reproached me they will not get to see. If I want to go, well, and if I do not, also fine.

And, returning to a previous point, do not understand why & eacute, lightning would I want to be with my nephews to see them, well, out of the blue . Do not leave me, as I do not get left with a lot of other people. My nephews are cute (well, by the way), smart and friendly, but also some infants with whom I have no interests in common. I can wish them a lot, and I do, but that has nothing to do with that I feel like spending a Sunday with them, let alone one Sunday a month. I do not care, it's that simple, I'd rather be at home quietly reading or going for a drink or a game of Agricola or tying girls on consent. And I'm pretty sure that my nephews I'd rather play with his friends in the pairthat you see your uncle Arthergarn. And in the increasingly unlikely event that suddenly Dani lifted his head and told my sister long time no see me, my sister called me a few days later delighted (if agreed) and I would say "look how cute thing said Dani the other day and then would leave me grinning from ear to ear and I like to go to and most likely see him out this weekend. Or not. But I'd do because I feel like me, not because it is my duty, or because my sister thinks it is. And if not, my sister does not matter & iacute a, because as much think that I sin penance, I'm losing, and never, never, never, under any circumstances, allow to affect our relationship No, because each one is free and does what he wants.

course, I would not do is pick up the phone and give me a row of half an hour telling me that I'm a bad guy who never sees his nephew and watching all the enthusiasm he will be able to have to see me who said that X and not ever see me and all my fault that I am a denatured and blah, blah, blah. Among other things, because as the ^{sent to hell (3)} .

I do not understand the genethat asks you things like "what have I done to not come to see me?" or "how bad is your mother not to any is left to eat with it all weeks? ". Volition is completely spontaneous, you can not voluntarily generate, one can not "want to want" ⁽⁴⁾ . Turn over the question ⁽⁵⁾ , if you wish to understand that person is sincere, and ask yourself what do you do to build on that person's desire to come see you. Of course, if every time you "ARE, or a high proportion of the times" ARE, things end badly, with fights, Criticism, pressures and general attempts to live the life of another or to say how it should live to the beat of emotional blackmail ("bad daughter that you will not see your mother", etc.) normal is that this person does not want to see. Something that should be voluntary and desired expression of love becomes an unpleasant obligation, which is done reluctantly and not by love but by fear of consequences (ie fights, fights , recriminations) and trying to be avoided by all means because it is associated with unpleasant feelings (guilt, sadness, insecurity). In my humble opinion every time someone pushes someone else que do not want to do (ie what you do not fancy at that moment) on behalf of an alleged affair is damaging the relationship because it tries to be like the other rather not accept. And that hurt the relationship, if held long enough, ends up being a poison, in which the depressed person does not have a relationship with the other because he is tired of being down, beaten, humiliated and criticized.

It seems a common sense rule that governs all human relationships, mine and those of anyone. In fact it is an economic rule: if you want someone to buy your product you have to make it attractive, not to tell the p & amp, desktop search, PUBLIC is obligated to buy and not buy it as a bad person. If you do the second one will only get people to rebel, will take maníaa your product, buy less and use whatever increasingly reluctant and eventually managed to stop buying it. Replace "your product" to "you" and you have the answer.

Arthegarn________________
(1) By "family" here I understand the third degree of consanguinity, ie parents, children, uncles, nephews, cousins and (where applicable) their partners, In my case, son A total of 29 including who, divorce or not divorce, will always be my Aunt Margaret.
(2) And, a good listener, few words suffice.
(3) No I would, but I would be completely frozen, I would let you speak to and hear and then try to figure out what emotional intelligence coup happens to my sister and me to vent or, if so, what is the alien planet with whom I talk on the phone and what she has done. Now, if your routine of doing things since then that shit mandaríaa or, at least, put distance between us. And anyone who knows my historia family know that I speak strictly teoríay not tell what to say. And people leave their air sometimes works very very well ..
(4) Well, yes you might want to want, which is not going to get something just for wanting wanting wanting. Unless metamos hypnosis and similar means of modification of the unconscious in between, of course.
(5) To be exact: "Mind your own business and if your desire to understand that person is sincere ..."